The Luminosity of the Surreal

As pain persists in the form of the human condition, how can any of us judge? Is our pain different to that of another because of its circumstance? Do we bleed differently? When the slow heart beat of the universe becomes even slower, who wins the race? When we become the speed of the earth, can we really sense the speed at which we run from our pain, the pace we have adopted in order to never feel this intensity? Do you know who you are? Do you know what gifts you are here to impart?

Another moment of clarity through the eyes of a saddened traveler makes for real insight and a space of grounded peace within the eye of the storm.Who are we to know the depths of the universe and cosy up to our true selves? In turn, we can see others in their transparency and vulnerability. When did we stop flowing? As children we ran, we played, we moved as we wished, we believed in all and judged nothing. Everything was included and nothing was left out, nothing was banished. Our worlds were massive and we could expand to whatever size we imagined. We could fill an entire room with our energy and sense of play. We could encourage others to play within our sense of eternal lightness and everything was in some way, a kind of magic. Our energy flowed like a river, never stopping, never overthinking, just doing and creating more of what already felt so good.

There were no restrictions on how far we could climb energetically, our imagination was king and we obeyed tirelessly, life was grand, life was fair and we knew not of anything that could block our freedom. Then the world came and rules became queen, she reigned relentlessly on our dreams and told us life was hard, we should be busy and work tirelessly to achieve that which we were meant to achieve, in order to fit in with societal norms. She watched our spirit, she crushed it when it tried to shine, she knew it needed some time to get used to being dull. She kept it at bay until one day, it was tired and decided to sleep. Life could now become a series of sensible and measured decisions, in line with her ruling and the regulations that seemed to keep this world going in such a way that it wanted to be kept. What appeared to be happiness, was in fact a series of dulled down spirits, living out a life dictated to by a tight lip.

Where was the room for creativity? Were was the room for a bright spark of something new? If we cannot create, are we in fact dead? We were created from a tiny seed and by this grace our internal dialogue leads us to continue this way of being. So why should we stop? Nature tells us yes and society tells us no. We should remain distilled, the world should remain unchanged. We will either die off or spend our lives survivning and all the while convincing ourselves this is living. What an illusion. If we could find our creativity, if we could resuscitate it, what would it say? What would it like to do? How would it like to play? You already know what creativity looks like, you can touch, taste, smell it. All thats left is to choose it...

Why do we fall into the trap of unsupported support?

Are therapists in business due to unsupported support?

Do we deserve it? Do we know what it is? The edge of my soul is upon me in the moment of its conception, when the depth of feeling meets the intellect of choice. As I analyse the experiences I have had, it is with a deep disappointment and raw clarity that I see the truth of what people including myself, allow ourselves to receive. Why was the truth masked in a velvet glove? Why can we not see the truth of what stands in front of us? The pain of falling from the holding of another, the despair of dropping one’s own value in order to be in alignment with this experience. The future can only look like a dishevelled replica of what has gone before, choosing characters in the story that provide the same outcome by way of familiarity. Relationships without a back bone and the illusion of support. Support defined by currency or a superficial nature. Where is the holding?

Seeing more clearly the types of supportive offerings and coping mechanisms in existence to compliment; I can name them as the illusion, pretence and fantasy of support in addition to conditional and abusive support. Each of these more magical than the other and all affording an unhappy ending. The illusion of support is one where somebody has invited us to believe that they will be there for us by making themselves look different that they actually are. Like a magician and unlike an enjoyable magic trick, the effect of the vacancy of presence can be detrimental to the starry eyed believer. A show-man or good promoter can offer an appealing picture and wisdom to see through the glare is paramount. Dropping any expectation of such a person is a good way of shortening the fall. Also, a necessary skill is allowing ourselves to choice to know the difference between illusion and reality. More often than not, the promoter is unaware of their affective offering or the effects of its illusive quality. This person has not only informed us as to what they internally offer themselves in terms of support, but also the extent to which they have experienced support during their developmental childhood.

The pretence of support is slightly more damaging whereby somebody has actively went out of their way to show us the promise of support and act in the directly opposite fashion. In this instance, we may second guess ourselves. The pretender has made themselves known as a supplier of great support, when in actual fact, provide the complete opposite and especially when most required. In addition to this, they may have manoeuvred us into a position where we believe their existence and wellbeing to be more important to ours. Therefore, not only may we recover quickly from their absence and selfishness, we also may find it easier to accept it. This type of manipulator will try to convince us of their invisible presence and so this person is usually attracted to a type of vulnerability usually found in we who have walked this earth unseen during our developmental childhood. This will suit the pretender as such contenders are easier to manipulate. Again, here the pretenders behaviour is only telling us of their own struggles during their childhood and is possibly mimicking a parent. The pretence of support shows itself to be a more cruel form of persuasion and can have detrimental effects on the receiver. Self-sabotage is very evident here on the part of the receiver with a possible familiarity around abuse. The pretender has disallowed themselves from finding happiness and instead has chosen to inflict pain onto others as a failed attempt to describe their own pain and in the pursuit of finding help, to exhibit unhealthy boundaries by being unable to communicate what they need. The pretender on a conscious level may be unaware of their attempts to ask for help and instead has a bitter taste about life without knowing why? Abusive support is that which stems from the pretence of support because the effect of the polarity offered by such un-supporting supporters, is in fact abusive.

The fantasy of support is whereby we want to believe that somebody else is going to be there for us and are extremely hurt when reality hits and they let us down. This type of fantasy is easier to overcome and requires a visitation to the real world where we can focus on what somebody is offering rather than what we are trying to project onto them. This projection may be a picture of what we want this story to look like. This has a ripple effect on the rest of our lives and does not normally stop at relationship, whereby everything seems to look forced and has a certain falseness to it. With the disability to see the truth due to choice, being present will become exceedingly and increasingly difficult affording its own consequences to mental, emotional, physical health in addition to maintaining healthy relationships or any relationship at all. Subscribers who are happy to live in the world where their lack of  support is replaced with a fantasy, are those who too want to live in the land of make-believe and this scenario is an opportunity for them to evade being present, once again.

Conditional support is a common one, whereby we may have somebody’s support as long as we act accordingly, exactly as they wish us to. This experience is one of being controlled by the wishes of another and those of us on the receiving end could possibly live in the fear of the support being taken away. Those of us falling privy to the actions of these people could very well be dipping into co-dependency and the co-dependent is a natural choice by those liking to control others. A common combination here is that of a narcissist and a co-dependent. Conditional support keeps the co-dependent dependent by living in fear of loss and allows the narcissist free reign over controlling not only our emotions but also ensures that their needs are the more important and are always met.

Low self-esteem and not knowing there is another choice is an easy answer. If we have never experienced anything else, sometimes it is hard to imagine it could exist. Therapists are in business because of this deficit, providing a service which we know nothing about until we feel it, the presence of support. What actually happens in the treatment room is this very exchange. Unknowingly to the client much of the time, the inclination to return is because now, at last, they are experiencing something they knew deep down existed and could be found. The possibility of finding this holding is now a reality and it is in this place, their unknown knowing can be uncloaked and the belief in a love of self and presence can be regained. A self-support can now be built on the bricks of this supportive space, a base required for this seed to grow. The possibility of true connection can now be realised, slowly, with purpose and truth.